


hope

by softpixelpng



Category: THE iDOLM@STER
Genre: F/F, Gen, i just felt emo over karen today, karen's life, this is kinda sad, triad primus, uh suicidal thoughts tho they arent a main focus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-16 15:44:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20858942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softpixelpng/pseuds/softpixelpng
Summary: She just wanted it all to disappear. She wondered what she did to deserve this. Why her?





	hope

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! this is my first fic i've written for idolmaster. and it's also just a love letter to karen hojo. i love her so much and i'm proud of her every day. she deserves everything she has. i hope you guys enjoy! pls comment and leave kudos if u like! hehe

_ This is Karen Hojo. Aged five. _

Little did she know, as the doctors poked and prodded her fragile body, this would be the first hospital visit of many. As per usual for children her age, she was optimistic. 

_ So why does momma seem so sad? _

_ Please don’t be sad. I’ll be okay! _

_ Age ten. five am. _

Another sleepless night. Karen sat up in her hospital bed, her blanket bunched around her waist as she idly flipped through a book. She did her best to try and dismiss sharp ache in her stomach. While it was a pain, she’d grown to become used to it. The discomfort was just a part of her life now. 

Yet she still wished it would end.

She just wanted it all to disappear. She wondered what she did to deserve this. Why her?

_ Age eleven. nine pm. _

It’d gotten worse again, and Karen was crying again. What eleven year old spends more time in the hospital than at home? Why couldn’t she be in school and playing with friends instead of taking medicine and being too exhausted to get out of bed?

She wished she could die. Perhaps that would be better. 

At least it’d put an end to everything she’d dealt with on the daily for six years now. 

And while the television’s glow dimly lit the room, and the idols Karen looked up to so much beamed on stage, she began to feel herself give up her dream. She’d never be able to be like them. She was much too weak. 

She’d do anything to fix herself. She didn’t care.

_ Age thirteen. three am. _

Nao was messaging her again. Even though they had school in the morning. Middle school was a whole new world and experience to her, and while she had been hospitalized twice already since the year started, her friends still stuck with her.

This was new.

These friends were different than the ones she knew in elementary school. 

She appreciated them. 

Rin and Nao even made it a point to visit and help Karen catch up with school work. They shared sweets with her. Whenever she felt well enough to eat, that is. 

xX_kawaii_nao_Xx:  i know it sucks ;;

but please try to cheer up as best as you can..!

I know i could never evr rly understand but rin and i try rly 

hard to try for u TT

potatokaren: it’s just hard for me to do anything

or see much of a point in anything anymore

at this point, i just wonder what the point is anymore… :(

thx, nao. i love u a lot.

having someone here for me at least makes things not as hard

xX_kawaii_nao_Xx: of course karen! ^^

i luv u a lot! 

i kno we have school in the morning, but i rly wanna stay up with u and make sure ur ok ;;

potatokaren:  no pls sleep nao

u need the sleep

ill be ok :)!

xX_kawaii_nao_Xx: … :(

as long as ur sure…

pls sleep well. ill see u at school tomorrow! ^~^

Karen couldn’t help but smile at her phone before she locked it and returned her focus to her laptop. Sometimes talking to her friends distracted her just enough to make her feel normal again.

Well, not that she really  _ remembered _ what normal was. 

But they made her feel safe. And that’s what mattered in a world that made her feel so, so scared.

_ age thirteen. eight am. _

In class, Karen began to feel lightheaded. Of course she did, she’d opted to skip breakfast that morning due to a stomach ache and just made her way to school instead.

This wasn’t ideal.

But neither was staying up until three-thirty in the morning.

She knew this, but wanted to avoid everything she could to keep herself from feeling worse. But this just made her angry instead. 

Every day was just her wishing she could exist like a normal person. It wasn’t fair.

Nothing was ever fair. And even though it had been three years, she still thought dying could be better than this.

_ age fifteen. four pm. _

Karen and Nao were in the midst of trying to brush Rin’s suggestion off as she continued to speak.

“My producer has been looking for more idols. I really think you two would enjoy it. Plus, Karen, isn’t this something you’ve wanted since you were little?” 

Karen just let a breathy laugh out, “Maybe if I weren’t sick. That’s hopeless now.”   
  


Rin furrowed her brow before speaking again, “But you’ve been doing so well for the past two years… Why would you just throw something away that you’ve been so passionate about?”

Nao shot a warning glance in Rin’s direction. But Rin seemed to miss it.

“Look, Rin,” Karen was upset, “I’d never be able to do it. I’m just… Not well.”

Rin nodded, understanding. 

Nao sighed, a mixture of relief and defeat. 

Karen still wanted to follow her dreams. 

_ age sixteen. six pm. _

As the lights on stage dimmed, Karen did her best to catch her breath. Triad Primus had finally debuted. And it was more than she could have ever dreamed.

When she was little, Karen dreamed about performing on stage, penlights twinkling in the crowd. The sight caused tears to prick the corners of her eyes and she had to quickly move to wipe them away. 

_ Don’t cry on stage. You’ve finally done it. _

The trio rushed backstage to make room for the next unit to perform, and Karen couldn’t get the sound of the cheers from her mind. This was her dream.

Immediately after the three girls were out of the audience’s line of sight Karen pulled the other two girls into an embrace. 

“Thank you”

The girls stayed like that for a moment. Karen felt whole again. Like she had a purpose.

Sometimes she still found herself in pain. Once in a while she still found herself having to rest for a day due to pain, but she’d found something that made her smile.

And she got to do it with her two most favorite people in the world.

The two girls who gave her hope. And that’s all she could ever ask for.


End file.
